Diki Porter's Room 101

Conceived from the popular TV series hosted by Paul Merton, here are my collection of items that I would like to see banished to Room 101:

  • Stupid people who try to sound intelligent by talking in cliches (that are misquoted, misplaced and misunderstood). They can be heard on phone-ins on Radio 5 Live, between 9 and 12am. I've stopped listening to 5Live in the morning, and tune into Radio 3 instead - however, see later.

  • Bic biros. I'm a fidgety worker and chew pens. Bic biros are too easy to chew - I can completly destroy a Bic in about 20 minutes. I like the bottom half of the pen though.

  • Dried Pasta. Don't get me wrong - I've got nothing against the pasta itself, but for the life of me I don't understand why the packaging is universally so poor. Its always sold in thin plastic bags which nowadays have that sticky "reseal" tab. But the plastic is so bad, it tears in every direction and all you can do it pick the pile of pasta off the floor and put into a jar.

  • Tennis commentators (and most tennis fans). Unlike nearly every other sports commentator, the breed that is the tennis commentator, seem intent on referring to players by their first names. No need.

  • Middle lane drivers on motorways. Nuff said (although third lane drivers are on the up too). While I'm on the subject of drivers, also those people that avoid parking on double yellow lines by parking the whole car up on the pavement. Also drivers that stop at junctions with half their car across the give way line - you actually sometimes think they won't stop at all. Also all BMW X5's and the Lexus equivalent. But I'm getting boring now.

  • Those massive overhead motorway signs which must have cost 100's of millions to build. Round by Bristol, they are under 1/2 a mile apart and never say anything of any use. One permanently says "Journey time to J11/Gloucester - 26 minutes".

  • People who slow down when they overtake in Motorways. My wife slows down before she overtakes, so that she's travelling slower than the vehicle in front when she moves out.

  • Overgrown garden hedges which render 1/2 the width of the footpath inaccessible. Trim your bushes !!!

  • Dinner parties. If you want to meet people, go to the pub or out for a meal. Perhaps its because I cook really tasty food, but it's stuff like chicken & veg pie, shepherds pie, roast dinner and fajita's. Not fancy food.

  • BBC breakfast news - it used to be a news programme, and now it's a light magazine programme. I prefer Milkshake on C5.

  • `Top 100' shows on TV. Potentially a good idea, but frequently not the top 100 and seem to attract a self-contained group of so-called `celebrities' (Kate Thornton for example - who she ?) who obviously don't remember the bit in the film Jaws where... but have had it scripted for them. Plus they go on for hours and I go to bed at 10:30.

  • Telethon's/charity TV appeals. Often on a Friday night, and all you want to do is watch is your regular Friday night TV. Seems to attract the same bunch of under-rated TV faces into doing things that are not at all funny. I never found Comic Relief in the slightest bit funny from when it started many years ago. Now if they had a new episode of Blackadder or The Office as part of the evening, that would change things. Also, too many long breaks with Lenny Henry telling you that there are people in the world that are starving. Frankly I'd pay a fiver not to have on one of these Telethons and get back to ordinary TV.

  • Students. Cos it would make my job a lot easier.

  • Maths Lecturers (perhaps all academics, but I only have experience of maths). They take their research too seriously. Get a life ! Unless you're Einstein, what you do won't change the world. I want research to go back to the way it used to be - just let each individual get on with whatever they fancy doing and take it easy.

  • Universities: follows from the two points above.

  • Radio 3 presenters. I like the music, but how much worse could they be ?

  • People who talk in jargon which makes absolutely no sense. I worked at BAE for 1/2 a year because I had a boss who wrote this. I haven't got a clue what it means. Everything was explained in terms of TLA's. See ?

  • US shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Dawson's Creek". Fatuous Bo**ocks (in the words of an ex-housemate of mine showing poor judgement in describing the cult TV show "This Life").

  • Adam Sandler.

  • Red wine. It's wonderful, but if I keep drinking it at the rate I'm currently drinking it, it will kill me.

  • River Cruises. Silly idea, getting drunk on a boat that goes very slowly upstream for a mile then turns round and comes back again. Much better to sit in a pub getting drunk and watching other people on river cruises. Nothing at all to do with a certain incident on the River Thames involving me and a toilet seat.

  • The Rev. Ian Paisley.

  • My wife wants me to put dog poo into Room 101.