Diki Porter's Room 101
Conceived from the popular TV series hosted by Paul Merton, here
are my collection of items that I would like to see banished to
Room 101:
Stupid people who try to sound intelligent by talking in
cliches (that are misquoted, misplaced and misunderstood). They
can be heard on phone-ins on Radio 5 Live, between 9 and 12am.
I've stopped listening to 5Live in the morning, and tune into
Radio 3 instead - however, see later.
Bic biros. I'm a fidgety worker and chew pens. Bic biros are
too easy to chew - I can completly destroy a Bic in about 20 minutes.
I like the bottom half of the pen though.
Dried Pasta. Don't get me wrong - I've got nothing against the
pasta itself, but for the life of me I don't understand why the
packaging is universally so poor. Its always sold in thin
plastic bags which nowadays have that sticky "reseal" tab. But the
plastic is so bad, it tears in every direction and all you
can do it pick the pile of pasta off the floor and put into a
jar.
Tennis commentators (and most tennis fans).
Unlike nearly every other sports commentator, the breed that is the
tennis commentator, seem intent on referring to players by their
first names. No need.
Middle lane drivers on motorways. Nuff said (although third lane
drivers are on the up too). While I'm on the
subject of drivers, also those people that avoid parking on double
yellow lines by parking the whole car up on the pavement. Also
drivers that stop at junctions with half their car across the
give way line - you actually sometimes think they won't stop at
all. Also all BMW X5's and the Lexus equivalent. But I'm getting
boring now.
Those massive overhead motorway signs which must have cost
100's of millions to build. Round by Bristol, they are under 1/2
a mile apart and never say anything of any use. One permanently
says "Journey time to J11/Gloucester - 26 minutes".
People who slow down when they overtake in Motorways. My wife
slows down before she overtakes, so that she's travelling
slower than the vehicle in front when she moves out.
Overgrown garden hedges which render 1/2 the width of the
footpath inaccessible. Trim your bushes !!!
Dinner parties. If you want to meet people, go to the
pub or out for a meal. Perhaps its because I cook really tasty food,
but it's stuff like chicken & veg pie, shepherds pie, roast
dinner and fajita's. Not fancy food.
BBC breakfast news - it used to be a news programme, and now
it's a light magazine programme. I prefer Milkshake on C5.
`Top 100' shows on TV. Potentially a good idea, but frequently not
the top 100 and seem to attract a self-contained group of so-called
`celebrities' (Kate Thornton for example - who she ?) who obviously
don't remember the bit in the film Jaws where... but have had it
scripted for them. Plus they go on for hours and I go to bed at 10:30.
Telethon's/charity TV appeals. Often on a Friday night, and all you
want to do is watch is your regular Friday night TV. Seems to attract
the same bunch of under-rated TV faces into doing things that are
not at all funny. I never found Comic Relief in the slightest bit funny
from when it started many years ago. Now if they had a new episode of
Blackadder or The Office as part of the evening, that would change
things. Also, too many long breaks with Lenny Henry telling you that
there are people in the world that are starving. Frankly I'd pay a fiver
not to have on one of these Telethons and get back to ordinary
TV.
Students. Cos it would make my job a lot easier.
Maths Lecturers (perhaps all academics, but I only have experience
of maths). They take their research too seriously. Get a life
! Unless you're Einstein, what you do won't change the world.
I want research to go back to the way it used to be - just let each
individual get on with whatever they fancy doing and take it easy.
Universities: follows from the two points above.
Radio 3 presenters. I like the music, but how much worse could they be ?
People who talk in jargon which makes absolutely no sense.
I worked at BAE for 1/2 a year because I had a boss who wrote
this.
I haven't got a clue what it means. Everything was explained in terms of
TLA's. See ?
US shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Dawson's Creek". Fatuous
Bo**ocks (in the words of an ex-housemate of mine showing poor judgement
in describing the cult TV show "This Life").
Adam Sandler.
Red wine. It's wonderful, but if I keep drinking it at the rate I'm
currently drinking it, it will kill me.
River Cruises. Silly idea, getting drunk on a boat that goes very
slowly upstream for a mile then turns round and comes back again.
Much better to sit in a pub getting drunk and watching other people
on river cruises. Nothing at all to do with a certain incident
on the River Thames involving me and a toilet seat.
The Rev. Ian Paisley.
My wife wants me to put dog poo into Room 101.